James Clarke Masthead
June 15 2011 at 10:00

Sunday is Father’s Day and Mrs Williams of Malhurst Primary set her class the task of writing about it. Belinda Tamsen snatched up her pen and Mrs Williams knew the entire staff room would be looking forward to the result.

Fathers Day

By Belinda Tamsen 

Lorst year on Fathers Day we bort daddy a tool box. We rap it up in pritty paper. Init was spannas, scroo-drivas and par of plyers and wenne saw the porcel he say wat is this for goodniss sake and we say itsa sir-prize. He say its 2 big for a bottle of skotch. May be its 2 bottels of skoch. 

He stort 2 tair the paper off and mummy say doan tair the paper becos we can and use it again at Christmis. So he unrap it and then stair at the plastik box.

Well opin it say mummy.

He opin it and stair at the tools for a long time. He doesin look very happy. He arst wot they 4.

Mummy says they are tools for fixing things arown the howse. 

O he say.

Mummy say you orlways complain you doan have the tools well now you got them. Wat needs fixing he say.

Well the bath room tap has been dripping for a thowsin years and the washing macheen wall plug needs fixing and the cubbud door.

But today is Fathers Day he say and I shud be resting my weery hed wile my famlie bring me tea an a speshul brekfus of egg and toest and sossij and tomartoe and bakin. 

Mummy say I will fix the brekfus wile you fix the tap then you can eat and rest yor weery hed be 4 fixing the cubbud. 2 minits later he shouted bluddy hell and bugger. Then he sware and mummy put her hands over my eers and my little brother wet hisself. Daddy forget 2 turn of the waarter before takin the tap 2 peeses. The water poor outa the bath room inter the passij and the corpet was soakin. It took orl day 2 cleen up orfterwuds. When he went 2 fix the electric wall plug mummy say very qwitely I wunder iff he turn off the mains first. Nest thing ther was a bang and a brite blue flash.

The doctor sed he will be orlrite in the morning and his burnt fingers will be sore for a wile. This year we hav bort him sox.

The End


Keith Elliot has sent me some transcriptions of 911 (emergency) calls.

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency? 

Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner. 

Dispatcher: Do you have an address? 

Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What’s the nature of your emergency?

Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart

Dispatcher: Is this her first child? 

Caller: No, this is her husband, stupid!


My old friend Francois Marais has sent me “five pearls of Scottish wisdom”.

Money cannot buy happiness, but somehow it’s more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes-Benz than it is on a bicycle. 

Forgive your enemy but remember the bastard’s name.

Help a man when he’s in trouble and he’ll remember you when he is in trouble again. 

Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them.


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